Suburban Girl Diaries

I know, I haven't updated this thing in ages.  It's epic blogger FAIL.  It's all my fault and I apologize.  I will try hard not to make friends with the FAIL Whale again. 

There has been so much going on lately that blogging didn't even cross my mind. I've had some staffing issues since Ryan's last pregnancy forced her to take a leave of absence.  After two failed attempts at finding an instructor to replace her, I finally found Justin...third time is the charm I guess.  Anyway, he's fabulous and super talented, and he's Ryan's new gay boyfriend.  I thought I was going to get her back soon, but then she came down with the flu.  She's mostly recovered now, but isn't back to full strength so I'll have to see how that goes.  In any case, I'm keeping Justin on permanently, so that helps...but I'm going to have to consider bringing someone in temporarily if Ry isn't feeling up to it soon. 

It's college application time and I've been putting in extra hours to help my more promising students prepare for auditions.  I have several applying to Juilliard, NYU Tisch School of the Arts, and The Boston Conservatory.  In addition to that, I have the fun of making sure Jacen and Caden make it to school and their various activities on time.  Needless to say, I'm perpetually exhausted...and I'm pretty sure I haven't seen Scott for more than a couple of hours in months.  Sure, we run into each other in passing while racing out the door...or we have enough time to say "hi" and "bye" while transferring ownership of the kids, but that's about it.  We have a text/AIM relationship at this point. 

I think we need a nanny and a childless vacation.

Well, the kid finally has a name.  In a completely shocking twist, Ryan gave in and let James pick her first name.  So she is Kiley.  Kiley Rhys...I will call her Rilo Kiley.

Ryan and James have a brand-spanking-new baby girl to add to their collection:

Birthdate/Time: June 20, 2009 - 12:46 am
Name: who knows? (middle name is Rhys though)
Weight: 8 lbs 3 oz
Height: 23 inches

They should name her Sasquatch. Do you see those stats?!  Damn.  This one completes the set. She's a little early (she wasn't supposed to be here until July 5th) but doing fine.  Mommy is understandably exhausted and looking forward to sleeping, Daddy is wrapped around her minutes old little finger already, and baby girls #1-3 are unimpressed. 

I was witness to so much drama this weekend...fortunately, none of it was mine!  Ryan had it out with James Saturday night and ended up kicking him out of the house.  He is currently crashing at my house (which is getting old really fast).  Now, normally this kind of situation is usually a result of Ryan being her drama queen self and overreacting, and I would generally support James (letting her know when she's wrong is in the best friend job description)...but not this time.  Ryan came down with a pretty bad cold near the end of the week.  This happened to be around the same time James found out he was getting laid off from his job.  I'm sure losing your job sucks, and he has every right to be upset about it...but there's a time and a place for that.

When you're a father and a husband you have to suck it up when necessary.  He failed to suck it up.  Instead of getting off of his ass and taking care of the wife and kids...he sat around sulking and whining.  Leaving your pregnant wife to fend for herself and take care of three kids while she's sick is not acceptable on any level.  To her credit, she tried to be really understanding and didn't yell at him about it...but I could tell she was getting agitated. 

Saturday evening she asked him to stop and get some itch-relief belly butter for her on his way home.  He came back with the wrong thing.  Now, that would be understandable had that been the first time he'd been asked to get such an item.  However, he has been through three pregnancies with her before.  He knew exactly what she wanted; he has bought it many times...he was just too busy sulking about his job to be bothered with her needs.  She was pissed, but still didn't go off on him about it.  I sent Scott out to get the correct item and drop it off (he cooked for her while he was there because he's awesome like that. really, he'll do anything for a pregnant woman...pascale taught him well).

Meanwhile, James went to drop Brody-James and Gabriel off at his parent's house.  Asha was being really clingy so she stayed home with Ryan.  She assumed he was going to return home after that because they hadn't discussed any plans to the contrary.  Did he do that? No.  Instead, he showed up at my house to try and convince Scott to go to some bar with him.  That was the last straw for Ryan and she blew up.  If he was smart he would have let her yell, apologized, and taken his ass back home...but of course he didn't.  He was actually arguing back and trying to make excuses.  Wrong move.  Finally she told him if he wants to go out then he can stay out indefinitely...which is how he ended up here.

I can't even tell her she was wrong, because I would have done the same thing if Scott was acting like that.  Scott is pissed at him too.  He does not condone James stressing Ryan out like that.  Why would you sit there and argue with your pregnant wife?  Your wife who has a history of difficult pregnancies and stress related complications.  On top of all that, she's still not completely over her cold and she now has to take care of a sick kid because Asha caught it. 

All of that could have been avoided if he had just stepped up.  Thank goodness him getting laid off isn't really going to affect them financially or they'd be in sad shape because he can't get it together.  Now is not the time for him to start acting like a kid.  He's pushing 40 and will soon be a father of four...fucking up is for when you're single and in your 20s.  I don't think he quite realizes what  he stands to lose here.  Ryan said Asha cried for her daddy all last night.  What he's doing is affecting her babies now and she's really, really hurt by that.  If Asha cries, Ryan cries...and if Ryan cries her dad is going to do some damage.  What really sucks is that James hasn't even attempted to apologize to her.  He doesn't think he owes her one and he's not willing to take one for the team.  I know he has seriously lost it because we told him his daughter was sick and he won't call to check on her either.  Ryan tried to call him so Asha could hear his voice and calm down, but he won't answer his phone for her.  If she leaves him after this, it serves him right.

More news at 11....

One good thing did come out of all the drama...it made me remember one of the greatest songs ever written.  "Anything, Anything" by Dramarama.  I was actually able to track down a video.  I'm pretty sure it's something someone pieced together, but it's pretty good.  Enjoy!

The boys decided to go snowboarding Tuesday and Ryan and I couldn't go (pregnancy and snowboarding don't go together and my wrist is still in a cast)...so needless to say we were pissed.  We love snowboarding.  I would have gone anyway (having a fractured wrist has never stopped me before), but I decided to stick around so she'd have someone to hang out with.  My consolation prize was her asking me out on a proper date.  It was really all a ploy to get herself laid, but I didn't really mind.  I got free food and the opportunity to prance around looking fabulous on a hot chick's arm...totally not complaining about the sex either.

Let me just say that Ryan can work the hell out of a winter white tuxedo and fedora.  She's gorgeous, she can work the hell out of any outfit, but the tux was seriously working with the little bit of belly she has.  I didn't think she was so serious about this being a real date, but I knew when she arrived complete with a bouquet of Sumatra lilies.  The woman's game is strong.  I decided to keep with the theme and wear a vintage 50s shirt dress and my latest Louboutin loves (pictured).  Never let it be said that I don't have game too. 

It was a pretty fun night despite the catcalls and stares (really, is it so out of the ordinary to see two women dancing or walking down the street together?).  We ended up back at her place at the end of the night, but I can't elaborate on the details...that's between me, her, and the toys :)

Ryan and I decided to do some shopping in D.C. today, but being the trouble magnets that we are, we didn't even make it out of Virginia before something happened.  Ryan wanted to stop and get something to eat before we got on 95.  So there we are minding our own business in the left lane, stopped to make our turn (there's no turning lane) when all of sudden some idiot rear-ends us.  He hit us so hard that the entire back window of her truck exploded and both of our seats went completely horizontal from the impact of our bodies slamming back against them.  Thankfully, no one was seriously injured.  The man who hit us is fine (even though I want to strangle his dumb ass...he was trying to read directions while driving!), and we only suffered minor injuries.  Other than a small scratch from a piece of glass that nicked her forehead, Ryan came out unscathed.  However, my dad admitted her to the hospital for 24 hours of observation just to make sure the baby is ok.  I came out of it with just a tiny fracture in my right wrist and the migraine I'm currently suffering from.  I'm sure we'll both be head to toe pain tomorrow though.  I'm still picking tiny shards of glass out of my hair, but overall we were lucky...and we're very happy that we decided not to take any of the kids with us.

Ryan's truck wasn't very lucky though...it's totaled.  We'll miss you X5, you've served us well over the years.  The white of this screen is making me feel like I'm going to throw up inside my head, so I'm off to find something darker to look at.  Here's hoping we'll at least make it out of the state next time we decide to go on a road trip.

In the spirit of starting 2009 off with a positive spin, Ryan, D, and I decided to abandon work and kids today to enjoy a much needed girl's day out.  Ryan's just getting over her bout with horrific morning sickness, and D and I are having problems with the husbands...so all of us really needed some time to ourselves.  There was a strict no cell phone rule so we wouldn't be bothered.  We started the day off with pilates and yoga.  I was never really into it before, but I think I might take it up on a regular basis from now on.  We followed that up with a totally extravagant and unnecessary but very tasty lunch, and then we headed to the spa for a facial/massage/mani-pedi combo.  It wasn't the wild time we used to have before we had husbands and children, but we enjoyed ourselves.  It was nice to get out and do something just for ourselves for a change. 

My boys are here...and I'm sure that doesn't really clarify anything since I have a lot of boys, so I'll specify.  My gay boys are here...Alvin and Adrian.  Ryan is Adrian's East Coast Hag, so as soon as he heard about the trouble she's having with the pregnancy he insisted that they fly here right away.  I'm cool with that because I needed to have a face-to-face venting/wardrobe auditing session with Alvin anyway (yes, Scott is still in asshole mode major). 

For those of you who don't know, Alvin is one of my oldest BFFs and my bizarro world twin.  Seriously, if I were a 6 foot tall gay black man I would be Alvin.  We both have impeccable fashion sense, and we are obsessed with the same sexy bitches...Sara Ramirez being #1 on that list.  We agree on the fact that she is the perfect woman, but he thinks she's completely sweet and innocent...I say she's got some freak in her.  She just has that vibe to me, and I know women pretty well.  The public persona is just too sugary.  She seems like the type that would get you alone in a bedroom and blow your mind.  You'd come out of there trembling with a grey streak in your hair like Rogue from X-Men.  Sara Ramirez is smoking hot; she's like walking, talking sex...there's no way she's letting that go to waste.

Exhibit A:
Tell me the way she said "tight" wasn't filthy.  I so love her...and that is still my favorite video clip of her ever.

Exhibit B:
She's even good at fake TV sex...which bodes well for her skills in real life...and her skin is amazing.  Ok, I'm going to stop talking about it because she's not around for me to lick.

Exhibit C:
She knows how to move.  She has quite the reputation as a serious ass-shaker...and I know for a fact that's a useful skill between the sheets.  Embedding is disabled on this one but check her runway walk.

Like I said, she's perfect but dirty.  I've decided that my theme song for her will be Christina Aguilera - "Still Dirrty."  I'm trying to have her thighs wrapped around my ears in my lifetime...I've got to get my game up.

And no, it was not the result of some insane sexcapade...contrary to popular belief.  My partner in sexual deviancy is out of commission and has developed an aversion to the word sex.  She doesn't want to hear it, and definitely doesn't want to have it.  That was the first conclusion everyone jumped to.  I wonder what that says about me?  Eh, I don't care. 

Anyway, my back has been killing me for the past couple of months.  I thought I'd just pulled a muscle or something, but finally it got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore.  I'd tried everything from ice packs to IcyHot and it wasn't improving, so I went to get it checked out, and after an x-ray was taken, I was informed that I have spondylolysis.  I really should have known something was up sooner.  I'm teaching pas de deux right now and showing them the cambre back press lift  (pictured below) almost put me on my ass.

(FYI: The picture is of the legendary Darci Kistler and Robert La Fosse, taken by Annie Liebovitz and ganked from flickr by me)

Spondylolysis is fracture of the vertebrae caused by stress from repeated flexion of the lumbar spine.  It was a fairly severe case, so I'm on bedrest for a bit and I have to wear a Boston brace...but it's nothing too serious.  I've had my share of dance related injuries so this is just par for the course.  I'll probably need to see a physical therapist to see what we can do to prevent this from happening again in the future though.

"Oh" was all my asshole of a husband had to say when I called to tell him about the injury.  I asked him if that was all he had to say, to which he replied: "Well, what do you want me to say?"  Oh gee, I don't know, how about "Is it serious?  I'm sorry doll, is there anything I can get you?  You stay home and rest, I'll pick the kids up from school."....that would have been sufficient, but that's not what he said and that is why he's still sleeping on the sofa.  Yes, we have a perfectly good guest room, but screw that, he's lucky I let him stay in the house at all.  Because he's an inconsiderate imbecile, Ryan was kind enough to peel herself off the bathroom floor to go get them, and according to Jacen, the poor woman had to pull over several times to throw up (well, dry heave is more like it)...we only live 10 minutes from the school.  Scott is an asshat of epic proportions. 

Angie's reaction, as dramatic as it was, at least let me know she cares.  She freaked out like I'd told her I was dying and dropped everything to come down here and coddle me to death.  Seriously, she cried...then tore Larry a new one for not reacting like she did...she's insane. He's a frickin' medical professional, he knew it wasn't life threatening.  He came by and did the dad thing--you know, discreetly fussing over me while trying to make me think he wasn't fussing over me--but otherwise maintained his cool (except when I kicked his ass in Halo.  He's never going to beat me, he should know that by now).

So the backup makeout chick called me up and asked me to meet her for drinks earlier.  I was game since I wasn't really feeling the sitting in the house alone on a Saturday night thing anymore.  The asshole husband is being his usual asshole self and ignoring me, and my primary makeout chick/BFF (Ryan) is pregnant again and therefore out of commission (horrific morning sickness has her cemented to the bathroom floor).  My outfit was too fab to waste sitting around the house anyway.  I felt like doing tights Sara style...inspired by this fab ensemble she rocked a while back:

Not everyone can pull off tights like that.  Rocking the tights takes master ninja fashion skills.  I took cues from my girl, but I have my own style so I had to give it that AJ flair.  Here's my version:

Acid washed skirt by Seven for All Mankind: 
Black cable sweater tights: 
Harley Davidson boots: 
Oscar de la Renta chantilly lace blouse:
Juicy Couture boy shorts (in black):

Mackage lambskin jacket: 

My version is very Miami Vice hooker meets glam rock couture.  It was especially fabulous with my freshly hacked off hair.  No fauhawk this time.  I opted for the Victoria Beckham angled bob (circa 2007) instead.  Can you believe I wasted cute panties for nothing?  Nobody saw them!  Backup makeout chick was hinting around, but I wasn't really feeling it.  She's hot, great company, and I certainly enjoyed the drinks but I wasn't really in the mood for girl on girl action.  A woman has needs and tonight this woman needed penis, but Scott is in one of his ignoring me phases again.  He's all caught up in work and I've got to admit I'm feeling quite neglected.  I really need him to stop with the extremes.  When I had bronchitis he was super protective and I had to fight him to even go to the bathroom without him hovering...now that I'm feeling better he wouldn't see me if I was wearing neon lights.  He'd better get it together soon or we're going to have some issues.

I don't know why I'm always up on former Real World/Road Rules cast news, but I am.  Anyway, Kelley Limp from my very favorite season of The Real World (Real World New Orleans) and her husband Bailey Salinger (yeah, I know his real name is Scott Wolf, but really it's all about Bailey Salinger) are having a baby boy.  No, it's not relevant  at all, but I felt the need to share...my life is horribly boring. 

Let's talk actors, actresses, and movies...

Movies suck lately.  Really, it's horrible.  I haven't seen anything good in so long I'm starting to think it's never going to happen again.  Ok, Secret Life of Bees was pretty good...but that was a sappy family movie.  I want some blood and guts.  Speaking of blood and guts (bad segue but it's all I had), who thought it was a good idea to make Transporter 3?  I'm guessing it was the same people who thought it was a good idea to make Crank 2.  Really Jason Statham, for the love of celluloid turn something down for once man! 

Rumor has it that my favorite sexy celeb (Sara Ramirez, like you didn't know that) is leaving Grey's Anatomy.  I can't blame her.  That show is going down fast.  As long as she prances her hot ass back to the Great White Way where I can see her AND hear that amazing voice, I'm all good with it.  What's up with the album Sara?

Vanessa Ferlito aka The Hotness from Death Proof seems to be working her way back onto the radar...unfortunately, not in good movies.  Madea Goes to Jail?  Seriously?!

The original Fast & the Furious crew is teaming up again... *crickets*

And in other news...

The coolest kid alive, Baby James Dean (Ryan's youngest, Miss Gabriel Grey...isn't that a kick ass name?  She should be in X-Men), turned 1 on Halloween.  Of course there was an over the top party involved at which she was more content playing with the gift bags than the actual gifts.  The afterparty was for adults only.  Ryan and I dressed as Wyld Stallyns...aka Bill & Ted...EXCELLENT!

I'd like to thank the writers of Grey's Anatomy for the title of this post, because really...other than that one line, last season sucked!  Anyway, this is not about Grey's Anatomy...this is about me (isn't everything?).  I'm a little slutty...I can admit that, and I'm going to embrace it from here on out.  Yes people, I'm embracing the slutty.  As I approach the big 3-0, I realize I have finally reached a point in my life where I am truly happy and really comfortable with who I am.  To most people I seem to project an air of confidence (and I am actually confident to some extent), but there are times when I'm really insecure and self-conscious.  Scott and I attended a party last week and somehow we ended up in a conversation with a disgustingly homophobic couple.  The woman started talking about how she works with a lesbian and she's always really uncomfortable talking with her because she's not sure if she's going to hit on her or something.  Her boyfriend then went off on a rant about how he just can't understand how two guys could be together.  I should have stopped them and said something, but I didn't.  I wussed out because I knew it would lead to a conversation about my sexuality, and really, I just don't feel like getting into that on most days...especially not with complete strangers.

If you only know me from my blog, you would think I was very open.  I'm always talking about my relationship with Ryan or makeout chicks or sexy bitches...but that's from the safety of the other side of my monitor.  It's a whole different story in person...when someone is looking me in the eyes and I just know they're judging me by the look on their face.  It's intimidating, but you know what?  No more.  I'm not going to do it anymore.  I am who I am, and more importantly, I like who I am.

I really should change Boys to Girls in the title.  Ryan is more than my best friend--she's also a woman I thoroughly enjoy having sex with.  She's married, I'm married, and there's a chick on the side I like making out with too...hence the slutty, but screw it.  I'm embracing it.  Life's too short to try and fit everybody's mold. 
The kids are with the grandparents for the weekend, and we sent the boys away.  We've done filthy things to each other all up and around this house all day long and I'm blissfully sore right now.  Embracing the slutty is fun.

Say what you will about Jennifer Lopez, but as a dancer I respect the hell out of that woman. You can say she can't sing (and I won't argue with you), you can say she can't act (after which I'd direct you to your nearest Blockbuster to rent Out of Sight), but nobody can say she can't dance. I don't know why I thought about her this weekend. She has been off my radar for ages, but for some reason I found myself browsing YouTube for clips of her dancing over the weekend. It wasn't a complete waste of time since I got some great ideas to use in my classes. Here are some of my favorites:

The video for "I'm Glad": This is one of my favorites for obvious reasons (who doesn't love the cheese fest that is Flashdance?). Every posting of this video has embedding disables on YouTube, so I had to search for this. Jennifer Beals couldn't even bust moves like this...
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Shall We Dance:  All I have to say is...RIchard Gere was not ready!  She has such amazing lines when she dances, it's unreal...

Get Right:  I would love to get in a studio and just freestyle with her.  It would be a nice break  from some of those hopeless kids I'm teaching.  Why don't their parents just stop wasting their money?  If your kid doesn't have a lick of rhythm, guess what?  They're not going to be a professional dancer!  They're not going to be the star of the next Step Up movie!  Anyway, J-Lo? She moves like it's effortless.  It's a beautiful thing...

By now you're probably wondering what the hell this post has to do with Brokeback Mountain.  Scott and James went on a camping trip in the mountains of Upper West Bubblefuck, so Ryan and I being the comedians that we are, made sure to let the Brokeback Mountain jokes fly.  We were so relentless that between the jokes and the laughter we pretty much lost our voices...and we still hand energy to burn, so we went to my studio to burn up some dance floor.  She's teaching my hip-hop class now.  I swear I need a hip replacement or something, I'm moving like a 90-year-old with rheumatoid arthritis right now.  What happened to the days of my youth, when I could party and night then turn right around and do again the next day?  Oh yeah, two kids happened...or at least I'd like to think that's the reason.  It would be valid if not for Ryan.  That bitch has a boatload of kids and she's still walking around unaffected...maybe the battery in her pacemaker is fashioned from Green Lantern's ring.

Brazilian Girls...new album...get it.

Yeah, yeah, I know...I haven't updated in forever.  That's because I'm boring as hell lately.  So in a blatant display of utter and complete boredom, I had the bright idea of having a sleepover with Pascale, Angie, and Ryan (I was going to invite the new makeout chick too, but Ryan was being all possessive and jealous) this past weekend.  You're probably wondering what the hell I was thinking, but the night turned out to be pretty fun.  Pascale is always fun, especially after she's had a few drinks in her...and Angie and I didn't argue once (surprisingly), so all in all it was good times. 

We had tons of sweets, food with a fat content higher than my body weight, and a vast array of hard liquor...so of course that called for a game of Truth or Dare.  However, Truth or Dare wasn't really an option.  See, Truth or Dare doesn't really work with four people, especially if none of them are men and some of them are related.  It's not like I was going to dare my mother-in-law to make out with my mom or anything, and Ryan and I were doing dirty hot things to each other on a fairly regular basis at some point--so what could you possibly dare us to do that we've never done before?  Needless to say, we decided to play Truth or Drink instead.  I doubt I need to explain it, but if you choose drink you have to take a mystery shot...the person who asks the question gets to pour it (I swear I almost died once...seriously, I saw the fucking light.  I think Ryan mixed every kind of liquor we had into one shot.  I just convulsed from thinking about it).

Of course there were the requisite sex questions and I cracked up when Angie chose truth and Pascale asked her if she'd ever been with a woman.  My mom must have been channeling Callie Torres (am I the only one who still watches Grey's Anatomy?) because she was all "what?  I like penis.  I'm a huge fan of penis"...I'm sure you are Ang, but fuckin' A, you're married to my DAD...TMI!  She was either really flustered and embarrassed to be asked that question in front of me, or she was lying through her fucking teeth.  It's hard to tell since she lies for a living (yeah lawyers, that's what you do).

My parents are liberal and all, and I'm pretty comfortable talking to them about anything...but I'm still their daughter and there are some things a girl just doesn't want mama to know, so I kept choosing drink.  It was pretty pointless since Ryan ratted me out on a whole lot of shit by answering her questions.  I'm hoping my mom was too drunk to remember most of it.  When we got to drunk to speak in complete sentences we abandoned the game and ended up watching a Keeping Up with the Kardashians marathon.  I admit it, Keeping up with the Kardashians is taking up like 30% of my DVR...so what?  Screw you, I like that show.  I'm allowed a guilty pleasure (*cough* or ten*cough*).
Say what you will about Kim Kardashian, but I still think she's a sexy bitch.  Slightly vapid and bratty?  Hell yeah...but still hot.  I don't give a damn about her ass, the chick has amazing eyes and hair.  Brunette solidarity, sister!

I think I passed out after the episode where Kourtney says Kim has an ugly crying face.  So it goes...

What is National Panty Day?  I'm glad you asked.  It's the day I just made up as an excuse for sitting around in my ultra chic ruffled skull panties* all day.  Aren't they cute?
So far my day has consisted of waking up at 1:00 p.m., watching Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, and browsing YouTube.  Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium was actually pretty good.  It was widely panned by critics, but I took it for what it was...a very straight forward children's movie.  It's not overrun with symbolism or metaphors...it's simple and sweet and charming.  Natalie Portman is in it, and Natalie Portman can do no wrong in my book.  Yes, she's that brilliant. 

So other than watching Mr. Magorium, the only other thing I've accomplished today is browsing YouTube.  I did find some gems though.  Like these two covers by Marie Digby (Britney Spears - "Gimme More" and Rhianna - "Umbrella").  They're both better than the originals:


Don't act like you didn't know it was coming....the requisite Sara Ramirez mention.  This is a video of her singing a song called "Grateful" at the Good Medicine benefit.  I've said it before and I'll say it again...the woman's voice is INSANE.  Her range is just phenomenal.  That transition she makes around 4:08 is just...wow.


*The panties can be found at Plasticland

Break a Leg, Rosie is a short starring the brilliant Carly Pope.  It was an official selection at The Vancouver International Film Festival back in 2005, which is when I originally heard the buzz about it.  It had since fallen off my radar, but today I happened to come across it on YouTube...


I often forget about Carly Pope because she so seldom seen...but she has such an amazing screen presence.  Her range is phenomenal.  She easily transitions between sweet, innocent, and mild-mannered (like in Break a Leg, Rosie) to dark and underhanded (like Garbo--the drug pushing lesbian she played on Dirt)...


The amazing thing is, I totally buy it.  She's completely believable as either character.  That is the sign of a great actress.  Hollywood is incredibly obtuse when it comes to talent.  Carly Pope, a nuclear reactor of talent, is out there working for peanuts when she works at all...while Jessica Alba, who has enough talent to maybe fill a shoe box, is making millions and working a lot more than she deserves to.  Is it looks?  Jessica Alba is a beautiful woman, no doubt about that...but so is Carly.  I actually used to like Jessica Alba, until I heard her speak...it's akin to listening to a parrot.  Carly may not be drop dead gorgeous to some people, but there's an attainable sexiness about her.  More importantly, she's refreshingly intelligent, insightful, and well-spoken...that my friends, is the sexiest thing of all.

Check out this interview she did for Curve Magazine and you'll see what I'm talking about: The Dirt on Carly Pope

The video is of Sara Ramirez doing musical mad libs.  Everyone knows about mad libs right?  Well, just in case someone doesn't...mad libs is a word game.  One player prompts the other to give random words to fill in the blanks in a story and hilarity ensues.  Musical mad libs is just like regular mad libs, except the audience yells out random words to fill in the blanks in a song.  Sara's song is "The Man I Love".  It's funny enough based on the word choices alone (I mean really, what geek yelled out "exoskeleton"?), but Sara's crazy facial expressions just take it over the top.  I don't know how she manages to be hilarious and utterly adorable at the same time.  Like in a I-want-to-hug-puppies-and-bunnies-and-fight-harder-for-gay-marriage-because-I-want-to-marry-her-one-day kind of way.  She's so cute...and hot--really, really hot. 

Anyway, this thing has had me almost falling out of my chair laughing for two day.  This is proof that she can sing absolutely anything and it will still be amazing.  I'd be happy if she sang the frickin' alphabet.  Anyway, enjoy...

She put a little filthy in it when she said "tight", and I love her for it.

I don't know what made me think of her today, but my favorite Top Model winner was heavy on my mind today (Elyse Sewell is my favorite non-winner).  Is it just me or does she look a hell of a lot like the bastard child of Natalie Imbruglia and Cillian Murphy?  They all have killer cheek bones, full lips, and really striking eyes.




So anyway, I was doing a little research to see what the hell she's been up to other than The Look for Less (which I hate by the way), and I happened to come across this: 



WTF?!  Yoanna, what the hell were you thinking?  She's gone all Hollywood spray tanned and bottle blonde and lost her sexy bitch-ness.  Now she's walking around looking like the chick who plays Lois on Smallville.  That's fucked up.  She was absolutely gorgeous before.  Everything I loved about her look is now ruined.  The first time I saw her on Top Model, I knew she was going to win because she had such striking features...the insane bone structure,  the raven hair against the luminous glow of alabaster skin, the most fabulous and insanely green eyes ever.  I can't believe anyone thought it was a good idea to fuck that up.  She still looks good, but now it's just so...ordinary.  Even her eyes are suffering for it, look how muted they are.  It's disappointing...seriously. 

Oh well, I'll just remember the glory days...

So I'm minding my own business, going about life as usual when all of a sudden...BAM!  Death Proof gets released.  In a flash I love Tarantino again.  I haven't truly loved Tarantino since Pulp Fiction, and then he up and drops this gem on me...and contained within that gem is this brunette beauty with the lips that put Angelina's to shame and the Vince Vaughn eyes* and the sexy, smoky voice and the real woman body (and by real woman body I mean hips that are the perfect resting place for hands, a little roundness to the belly, and thighs that aren't skinnier than her calves).  Vanessa Ferlito is what it says in the credits, so I say...Hmm, who is this chick?  She's hot...she's really hot, like sexy bitch list worthy hot.  What else has she been in and where has she been all my life?  Well, she's  been in 24, on CSI: NY, in Undefeated with John Leguizamo, and in Shadowboxer with Helen Mirren and Cuba Gooding Jr. (which is the most disturbing movie I've ever seen by the way)...she's kind of smart, kind of a badass, and she has big balls (she left a stable CSI gig and steady paycheck to go home to Brooklyn because she missed it)...I like that in a woman. She has that thing.  That thing that makes it impossible to stop watching her.  Is it any wonder that I was pissed when my stupid brother-in-law Royston stole my Death Proof DVD?  Scott's an asshole so he's not going to go get it for me, Royston's an even bigger asshole so he won't bring it back, and I'm not going to get it because his bathroom has mildew (but that's a story for another time).  What's a girl to do?  She ends up in the DVD section at Best Buy in the middle of the fucking afternoon about to drop $19.99 on some shit she already owns, that's what. 

With my new, but not improved copy of Death Proof in hand, I start toward the register...but stop when my late 80s radar hones in on Saved By the Bell Seasons 1 &2 for $14.99...sweet deal.  So I'm about to grab that too when suddenly there's a hand on my Death Proof and I'm thinking I might have to choke a bitch like Wayne Brady...but luckily I look before I strangle.  I recognize sticky fingers.  The hot little Thai makeout chick I had a few years back?  It's her older, hotter, Spanish (yes, she was born in Spain.  I'm not that fucktard who uses the term universally) friend I met at a party way back when.  We only talked for a few minutes so I have no idea why she remembers me, but she does.  There's a minute of "you're...yeah, we met at...you're friends with...so what have you been up to?".  The usual small talk.  She wasn't trying to jack me, she was just admiring the merchandise...turns out she loves Death Proof too.  Now, the whole time we're talking she's giving me the eye...I know the eye...If you look "they eye" up in the dictionary there's a picture of me.  The eye is not innocent.  I repeat--THE EYE IS NOT INNOCENT. 

She hits me with:  "Vanessa Ferlito is fucking hot, right?"  Yeah, she's testing me...trying to gauge my interest because she knows my history with hot little Thai makeout chick and she's thinking since that never went beyond making out I might have just been acting out some latent desire to experiment.  I reply in the affirmative, being sure to give her a look to let her know that I know what she's up to--she smiles.  I let her know I'm about to head out and she says she is too.  We check out and we head out to the parking lot...we get to my car first and she stops me before I can say goodbye.  She tells me she has a movie I might like, starring guess who--Vanessa Ferlito, and she asks if I want to watch it with her...today...at her place.  Carpe diem....but I still like to err on the side of caution when it comes to people (though I'm utterly reckless otherwise).  I tell her I need to get home, but she's welcome to go get the movie and come by my place.  Home court advantage--if she turns out to be completely psycho, I know where all my weapons are.  I figured she'd flake anyway, so I go for comfortable rather than cute...black sweater skirt that I use for ballet, layered tanks (white and grey), and the Harley Davidson motorcycle boots I just love stomping around in.  A half hour later my doorbell rings.  Fuck.

No time to change...screw it...I open the door and there she is.  I feel a little better when I realize she has gone for casual (jeans, Perfect Strangers t-shirt that totally won her bonus points, sneakers).  I invite her in and we head to the media room (that's Scott's pretentious ass name for it, it's the fucking den as far as I'm concerned).  I start the movie (On_Line).  We chat it up a bit...she's pretty easy to talk to.  She admires my ink and my muscle cars (more bonus points).  She tells me about working for the man (corporate job) and I tell her about the dance school and racing.  Halfway through the movie there are lips on mine and hands everywhere and my thoughts are as follows:  "She's a good kisser and fuck I'm not wearing any underwear and she's going to think I planned it but I didn't and I totally said cougar hunting was in for '08 but she's my age and Ryan is going to be jealous as hell but she's out of commission so screw it and I should have called Scott but we'll talk later and SHE'S A FUCKING GOOD KISSER!" 

Breathe.  Reset.  I have a waning interest in male bits lately and I want to do this, but I don't really know her at all and I'm not easy...ok, I'm not easy most of the time.  I tell her as much and she understands.  We ease back into conversation and watching the movie.  Surprisingly, it's not awkward...and Vanessa Ferlito is still hot (if you can find On_Line, watch it.  It's low budget and fell way short of greatness even though it had potential, but it's worth it just to watch Ferlito steam up the screen...and Harold Perrineau is supposed to be something like a womanizing pimp, which really is hilarious and completely unbelievable).  I think I owe that woman a thank you card.  Who's her agent?

Just when I was about to give up on chicks....

*Vince Vaughn eyes - people with Vince Vaughn eyes look like they're either high as a kite or just woke up.  Vince Vaughn eyes are only sexy on hot chicks, not Vince Vaughn.